


Like I Used To Be

by americanphancakes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Gen, Light Angst, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 13:23:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16556576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americanphancakes/pseuds/americanphancakes
Summary: A bartender thinks Dan is Phil's son, and Phil starts to worry about his age.Title and some later dialogue are from "Like I Used To Be" by Matt and Kim.





	Like I Used To Be

**Author's Note:**

> I know the bar story isn't even relevant anymore as far as the Phandom is concerned, but I'm 34. I operate much more slowly than I used to. And you know what? I'm okay with that.
> 
> This fic is kind of a diary entry, really. Since I turned 30 I've been worried about getting older and being less "me", so I turned the sorta funny bar moment into a prompt where I rattled off my own anxieties.
> 
> If this fic resonates with you, let me know. We'll hug it out. :)

Phil’s face dropped when the bartender said it.

“Sir, how old is the boy?”

“Sorry?” Phil asked, leaning forward, thinking he’d misheard.

“Your son, the young man. How old?”

“Uh… he’s 27.”

They both showed their ID’s, even though the bartender didn’t ask Phil for his (most places didn’t card him anymore, now he thought about it).

They ordered a couple of drinks. While they were being prepared, Phil pulled out his phone. “Oh my god,” Phil said, putting on a smile and fake laughing. “First the airport thing and now this? I have to tweet it.”

Phil figured it was best to play it off like just another funny “Dan has a baby face” story. People assumed Dan was between 16 and 18 all the time -- honestly, his face made him look even younger, but his height kept people’s guesses conservative. Phil thought it was genuinely hilarious since it resulted in mild inconvenience at worst and gross underestimation of Dan’s intelligence at best.

But the bartender’s question took it to a new level. A very unfunny one. It felt like a kick to the stomach. 

The thing was, most people didn’t have children at fourteen. Phil knew he must look older than 31 to this bartender.  _ Considerably _ older. If the guy thought it was a  _ safe _ assumption that Dan was Phil’s son, Phil would have to look at least... 38 or so. Maybe even 40.

Dan was focusing on his newly-served drink when he replied. “Don’t remind me about the airport thing, Jesus.” He looked over at Phil. “I think I just have to accept that puberty is never going to happen.”

Once he finished his sentence, though, he could see the look on Phil’s face. At first glance it appeared he was just focusing on finishing up his tweet, but there was something more to it. Dan wasn’t sure what was wrong exactly, but he knew Phil well enough to see through the attempt to hide any distress.

“You okay?” Dan asked him.

Phil finished the tweet and put his phone down. “Yeah, fine! Why wouldn’t I be?”

Dan shrugged, not sure what to say.

Phil took his straw and poked at the cherry floating on the top of his cocktail.

“Do I look old?” he asked.

“Do you look _old_?” Dan said with a smile, as though Phil’s question were the most ridiculous looking thing he’d ever heard. “No! I mean, yeah you look more than four years older than me, sure. But I look twelve.”

“Even if you looked twelve, like… I’d have had to become a father at like nineteen for you to be my son.” Phil made a face.

“Don’t shame people who become parents at 19, Phil. It happens sometimes.”

“That’s beside the point though. You’re definitely too tall to be twelve years old.”

Dan sighed, not sure what to say exactly. “You don’t look old, Phil.”

“I look older than 31.”

“You know what? I blame cosmetic surgery and Photoshop and overexposed lighting in commercials.”

“What?”

“Really! People who are 31 look like you. They do. But beauty standards are a bitch, so people get botox and get their photos retouched and... I mean, even in the videos you edit, you make the lighting brighter when you’re self-conscious about your crow’s feet. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

“Yeah,” Phil muttered, “and whenever I do, you can just see more of the grey hair in my roots.”

“Because lots of 31-year-olds have grey hair! Some people start going grey when they’re not even twenty yet.”

“You don’t have any grey hair yet,” Phil said with a pout.

“Genetics,” Dan shrugged. “Some people go gray when they’re young, some don’t go grey until they’re in their 50s. Or ever.” One look at Phil tells Dan that none of this is helping. “My hair is already getting a bit thin in the back if it makes you feel any better.”

“I guess.”

“I’ve got to go to the toilet. Go reply to some of the fans on twitter, okay? I’m sure they’re saying hilarious things about me being an infant rather than you looking old.”

Phil nodded as Dan walked off. Sure enough, most of the tweets were indeed laughing at Dan’s misfortune rather than Phil’s. Maybe he was imagining things. Maybe Dan was right and he didn’t look old at all. Maybe the bartender did assume Dan was 12. There were some really tall 12-year-olds out there these days.

But he didn't feel all that reassured. The thing was, he still  _felt_ older. He got tired more often. He was less willing to try new things despite it being his life’s motto. He felt less resilient. It took him longer to learn things.

He felt… 31.

So he was still pouting a bit when Dan got back.

“You okay?” Dan asked. “Shit, did someone on twitter call you old in a not-joking sort of way? Oh my god, I’m sorry if I--”

“No, no, Dan, that’s not it.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I just… I feel older, even if I don't look it. It used to take me like two listens before I learned all the words to a song I liked, and now it takes like ten. I try to get exercise but I still don’t have the physical energy I used to. And the worst part is… I remember being younger and being excited about new things, you know? New adventures, new video ideas, new stories… Now it’s like I’m scared of doing anything new. I want to stick to what’s safe all the time, you know? Like my hair. Why did it take me so long to cut my hair?”

“You were nervous. That’s only natural. Younger people get nervous too.”

“Not like this. I just keep thinking… maybe… I should be more like I used to be. More experimental. More… crazy. I was never dangerously stupidly crazy, you know? Why stop?"

“Because your sails have set, mate. But that doesn’t mean the wind can’t take you somewhere new!”

Phil giggled. “Shockingly deep for a little kid,” he said.

“Shut up, you,” Dan chuckled. “Seriously though. You’re not dead yet. Far from it. You’re not old. I keep telling my followers in live shows, you know… life is long. You still have opportunities to change things you don’t like. Same goes for you, okay?”

Phil nodded. One day he’d be able to internalize what Dan was saying. For now, it was at least nice to hear.

“Seems like you need that drink,” Dan said.

Phil smiled and raised his glass.

“To not being dead yet,” he said.

Dan smiled. “To not being dead yet.”

_ Clink. _

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to all my fellow grown-up Phandom members who are worried they're not themselves anymore.
> 
> The sails have set, but we're not dead yet.


End file.
